Like most women between 1960 and the late 1990s we grew up regularly listening to the misogynistic rhetoric used by our male family members, college professors, and in the workplace. Most women never gave much thought to just how inappropriate the hostility was that we faced on a regular basis while navigating our encounters with men, except perhaps when we were placed in situations that made us feel really uncomfortable. You know, the ones whereas women we were greeted in a socially “chilly” climate and excluded from discussions, meetings, and business lunches or in cases of direct sexual harassment. For generations of women this was a time when the good ole boy network was in full operation and the work environment held us in abeyance, and rendered us powerless, because of our gender.
Systems of patriarchal oppression have existed for decades because of its acceptance as a social norm where women have been subject to being belittled, humiliated, mocked, and sexualized or, alternatively, desexualized – silenced, shunned, tokenized, marginalized, unimportant and powerless while still feeling disparaged. Direct and indirect acts of violence and aggression account for a whole host of other acceptable behavior in the misogynist’s imagination, still making it acceptable for almost any woman to be vulnerable to some form of misogynistic hostility from some unevolved source, even today. These aren’t just one-off bad players or a bad apple but rather men, embracing their “maleness” through attitude and action that results in the continued perpetuation of unacceptable masculine behaviors and social norms that are still tolerated by women.
Most women kept their mouths shut and powered through those situations in the 80’s & 90’s because they knew their worth and believed that through hard work and proven results they would be rewarded. It was often too well known who the creeper boss was, and we avoided putting ourselves in any situation where we could get caught being subjected to the request for a kiss, hug, or unwanted touching. This wasn’t a bad hand to play but in hindsight you can’t help but wonder if we could have done more for ourselves and others if we were better prepared and frankly just not so afraid.
A woman in my network who worked in the financial services industry for over 35 years recently shared her story with me. In her mid 40’s she was a partner at a large regional title company and went to visit an area President at a bank who was well known for his arrogant and misogynistic mannerisms. Upon her arrival she saw that he was in discussion with a male staff member. The President conducted business in his office made of glass that was quite visible to other bank staff i.e. mostly female bank tellers. Prepared to wait she was surprised when he waved her in. She extended her hand to the President in the customary greeting handshake. To her surprise he pulled her close and acted like he was going to smack her buttocks in an exaggerated manner to show the other male his power over her. She was mortified and embarrassed. Being completely unprepared for the exchange she had just experienced, she backed out of his office. She then sat in her car trying to appease the horror she felt while trying to process what had just happened to her.
At the same time, she realized there were several female tellers who had seen what had just happened to her. She told me she felt the need to return to the bank to inform the workers that what they saw was absolutely unacceptable. Although she wasn’t sure how she’d handle it, she told them they need to contact HR if they or anyone else ever experienced anything similar. Like many women she said she ultimately decided she was not up for the fight against the primarily male run bank that was one of her Top 5 customers. She also believed she would not likely have the support of her two older male partners at her own title company where she worked. Fortunately, she felt a little bit of redemption when she found out he was fired later that same year.
There is still the existence of an underlying struggle for both sexes to be in balance, natural, and respectful while understanding appropriate boundaries in the workplace. For example: How does a male compliment a woman today without coming across as creepy, condescending or ogling? What is appropriate? Have well-intentioned men generally stopped commenting on a women’s appearance altogether? As we look at the complexity of such issues, we must be careful under the guise of protection, to not legitimizing the marginalization of women…perpetuating a world where women are seen as fragile…where men are pulling back from mentoring/sponsoring women, so that women do not receive the same experiences that lead to opportunities. In some cases, women are not even being invited onto the playing field and more subtle forms of gender discrimination now operate underground. What is clear is that a voice of one, and woman as a minority, cannot change the status quo alone.
From a historical perspective we have come a long way from the introduction of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and there has been much improvement. New laws have expanded to include information on gender differences and bystander training. And although there seems to be the existence of issues with male customers more so than coworkers, the existence of harassment does still occur within the walls of the workplace. So, in 2021, I must ask myself, why is this? Why do we still tolerate and excuse bad behavior? I believe misogyny continues to exist in part because of the invocation of the “reasonable woman” standard that is used in determining the existence of “illegal” sexual harassment — or, more precisely, we can ask whether a girl or woman, who the environment is meant to accommodate, might reasonably interpret some encounter, aspect, or practice therein as hostile. As long as we tolerate such broad and ambiguous language that subjects each of us to an interpretation of what “acceptable” behaviors are, on a case-by-case basis, we are in essence saying that any behavior directed toward a woman, that is different than how you would approach a man, may somehow be found to be acceptable because of the long established practice of it still being acceptable to treat woman different than a man, on the basis of sex. It’s like saying I can treat my daughter poorly just because she is a girl, while my son does not have to endure the same treatment because of the acceptable social norms that are still tolerated in today’s standards.
Any one individual cannot represent an entire group and advocate for the advancement of women alone. As long as men in positions of power can relegate someone to an unimportant or powerless position, small, unseen, and unheard, the misogynistic attitude and actions of the few will continue, and some level of discrimination will still be present. Men acting as public allies in the workplace must be willing to implement changes that includes input from women. It’s a transparent multi-level commitment to diversity that reaches beyond the EEOC’s non-discrimination mandate that must be embraced whole heartedly by our male counterparts. We must involve women in the planning, goal setting, work plans, and administration of the organization while facilitating meaningful participation at all levels or the hostility toward women will simply continue to exist in a system of patriarchal oppression. We need our men to encouraged women to contribute to the philosophy and ideology of the organization and have their own opinions validated and respected without regard for gender.
This is to say that what matters is not deep down, but right there on the surface, in view of a more common approach by placing the emphasis more on the “reactive” part and less on the “attitude.” How different would the experiences of women of these past decades been if the concept of male allyship had been introduced in the early 60s and embraced in the corporate world. In the example of my colleague who was harassed by her customer, her experience would have been very different if the other male who was present at the encounter had spoken up and informed the President of the inappropriateness of what he had done, distracted him while helping her out of the situation, or at the very least pulled the President aside and spoke to him in private later on. These encounters are faced by women when navigating their careers far too often, in social environments that tolerate such behaviors and are too often subject to whatever constraints may emerge from how they may reasonably be interpreted.
A light must be shined on the issues holding back inclusive change and leadership, which includes recognizing and addressing everyday subtle biases and harassment that can negatively impact an organization’s workforce. Deloitte’s inaugural “2019 state of inclusion survey shows:
Inclusion efforts are not addressing everyday biases
Bias negatively impacts work productivity
Microaggressions are a main roadblock
Majority of workforce identifies as allies
Gap between intention and action
Colleagues and managers play critical role
Recognize and address everyday subtle biases
To close the gap, we must move from intention to action
Encourage conversations that build empathy, authenticity, and awareness
Women who resist or flout gendered norms have garnered suspicion and consternation when trying to go it alone. Male allyship however can be the nexus that introduces the necessary discomfort that produces changes in the male mindset, making it less acceptable for any well-entrenched systems of social norms undergoing extinction to continue along its current course. And for some people, this change may profoundly disrupt their sense of the social order resulting in a push back. For that reason, among others, a misogynist social environment may continue to exist only to police and punish women in accordance with patriarchal law and order. They may nevertheless finally perceive powerful women as their equals and non-threatening.
From my perspective, the only way to change the misogynistic elements and social practices in the workplace is for men to place a high value on saying something and by taking the action necessary to reinforce positive change. By introducing a sense of disenfranchisement from both genders in upholding the status quo, a progressive social movement can be advanced and voices raised for the less powerful in the workplace. To change direction and accelerate its efforts the organization will need to be intentional and creative in coming up with multi-faceted solutions and train its workforce accordingly. For systemic changes to last, we must look at resource shortages and acknowledge the void in current support systems for women in the workplace. Planning and intentional allyship must be embraced to support collaboration and problem solving. Every part of the system must be transparent and feel real, inclusive, interdependent, and united for all employees.
Consider for a moment the many women who have fought the battle of misogyny alone for so very long. If male allyship had been “a thing” long ago just think how different the experiences and outcomes would have been for so many women, and history righted long ago. Our daughters deserve nothing less of us.
Please share your opinion on how male allyship can play a positive role in eliminating workplace harassment and discrimination. What advice do you have to other women on how to engage men as workplace allies.
Please follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook Groups, Twitter (@womensvoices3) or on my blog at www.womensvoicesleading.com for more interesting posts from Womens Voices Leading.
#womensvoicesleading #womensvoices #communication #leadership #maleallyship #empowerment #harassmentanddiscrimination #genderequality
