Some points we’ll cover include:
– Fathers as role models
– Givers and takers in relationships
– The profile of the giver and taker
– The brokenness of the giver/taker relationship
It’s no easy task raising daughters to become well-adjusted adults. As our first role model, girls learn how to love and experience life through the relationship they have with their father. Later, as women, we develop a strong sense of our value and worth (good or bad) from the inside through this lens. For those of us who have been graced with good fathers, we feel the strength of his presence, in all of our male relationships, in the way we feel safe, supported, and encouraged by the men we later choose as our partners.
As a child, I wish my dad had told me that I was loved for just being me, not for being a well-behaved “good girl” or for just “staying out of trouble.” I wish he had told me that regardless of whether people liked me or not, it would have nothing to do with my own value or worth. And that it is not my job to bend and adjust to other people’s wants but rather to be attune to my own needs and to surround myself with likeminded secure men that appreciate what I bring to the relationship…that some males won’t like you and that’s okay. I wish my dad had taught me that each of us are responsible to manage our own expectations and happiness.
As an adult I wish my dad had told me that I deserved to be loved, cherished and respected always and to have a full life partner in a spouse interested in my wants and needs, willing to work hard to support me in my interests. I wish my father had told me there are two types of people in this world: Givers and takers. As a generous, caring and giving person, I wish my dad would have taught me to never give a moment of my precious time to a taker because the success and happiness of my relationship would suffer in the long run.
Unfortunately, my father was not equipped to have these conversations with me during the years that shaped my world. Don’t get me wrong, I love my father immensely to this day, and forgiven him for his shortcomings of long ago. He has softened greatly as he has gotten older, and in my 50s we now have deep conversations about life and family. Through grace I can honor him for the credit he deserves as the patriarch because he provided for me all throughout my childhood. He was raised without a father figure and his parents divorced when he was very young. His mother also put him in an all-boys boarding school during his formative pre-teen years, where he learned how to get along with others and a strong work ethic. But he never understood the importance of his role as father and was not compassionate toward my unmet needs. As I have grown to understand and appreciate the environment of his childhood, I realize he was void of the necessary parenting skills to shape a young and impressionable mind.
As an engineer, my father was both the breadwinner and disciplinarian in our family. As a strong-willed girl I often tested the rules and boundaries, resulting in him losing his temper regularly. In truth, he scared me to my core and over time my people pleasing behaviors developed as a coping mechanism. In my father’s words I had a “screw you attitude of always doing the opposite and was good at pushing people’s buttons.” I now realize the verbal and physical abuse I experienced, his reactions and choices, falls on him alone.
My childhood experiences left me scarred into my adult life believing that I shouldn’t use my voice in disagreement against anyone in a position of power or authority over me, and to constantly seek validation and approval from those around me. I learned to ignore my own judgment in favor of believing the other person without question. And I grew up having a hyper-sensitivity in seeing feedback as criticism along with a fear of abandonment whenever someone didn’t agree with me. Being an adoptee compounded my insecurities even further.
Regardless of whether you had a nurturing or abusive father, this is what you should know:
Givers and Takers In Relationships
I found my husband in the workplace, and after several years of dating (because of our age difference) we married. He had long-standing employment representing stability and was also as emotionally unavailable as my father had been during my childhood experiences. Like the father who had raised me, I chose a person that couldn’t meet my emotional needs. He was familiar to me and also predictable. My spouse assumed the role of the taker and I the giver in our relationship that lasted 25 years.
There is a power dynamic that exists between givers and takers. The taker wins the energy and emotional investment of the giver, who’s convinced that “in love” there are no limits, that anything goes so long as it contributes to the cause…the good of the relationship. Givers and takers fall into the unhealthiest extremes, where real happiness rarely takes root. As a co-dependent this behavior is a defense mechanism for our own dependency. It is a way for the giver to rail against their own dependent needs, to try to show that they are strong and in control, and don’t need anybody when in reality they do. Interestingly, while being a giver has its drawbacks, givers make wonderful partners and are the most likely to have long-term relationships. Healthy men don’t want to be controlled or mothered and do want to give in return.
The Giver Profile
The giver in the dependent relationship enacts the “what you can do for me part” by finding a guy who can take care of unmet childhood needs. Conflict is put on the shelf and control is given up to their partner. She expects him to meet all her needs, stifling him and he likely becomes codependent with her. Over time she becomes angry and frustrated, confusing her partner. In turn she begins to feel the same disappointment and emptiness she did as a child. Her sense of entitlement then acts believing that “if you love me, you will do these things for me.”
Have you ever been made to feel that to get love you must give all? Has a partner ever made you believe that what you have given (affection, resources, time) is never enough? Has your partner told you that when you follow your own pursuits (a college education, better job, a promotion) you are being selfish or taking time away from the family? Have you given everything to end up completely drained and emotionally exhausted? You may be a “Giver.
Givers’ in an unhealthy relationship, are always thinking about their partners’ interests without considering their own needs because it’s the only role they have come to know. But sooner or later, a phenomenon known as “social exchange theory” will appear. Essentially, we take the benefits and subtract the costs and determine how much a relationship is worth. Positive relationships are those in which the benefits outweigh the costs. Negative relationships are when the costs are greater than the benefits.
That is to say, the giver may find themselves in situations where their actions are neither valued nor recognized to any benefit. Everything they invested…time, affection, and energy…will never be recovered. Finally, feeling it was all in vain, their self-esteem goes down when they realize effort does not bring the love or reciprocal actions they desire.
Left unaddressed these unhealthy relationship dynamics can follow into your relationships with your children, friends, and also at work. For example, because I work in the human resources field, I have some “friends” who only call me when they want advice about how to handle their employer or a difficult subordinate employee. As a giver I believe I’m being a “good friend.” But this is NOT true friendship because there is no evidence of reciprocity to be found elsewhere.
Givers end up unhappy believing they are unlovable, and something is wrong with them, thinking they are personally responsibility for making the relationship work (rather than recognizing their partner’s own unhealthy contributions). If they are not receiving the reciprocal support they need from the relationship, the giver can end up exhausted from continuously giving of their own resources. Over time the scarcity of resources becomes their detriment.
The Taker Profile
Takers usually treat people well but only if and when those people can help them reach their goals. They are typically charming and charismatic and know how to work the crowd when motivated by self-interest. A taker is self-centered focused wondering, “What’s in it for me? What do I want? What can this person do for me?” This is how they have learned to show up in the world and may come across as unaware when in reality they are VERY aware.
If you’re fortunate enough to see a taker in their element, they will treat people poorly when they are no longer of use to them. Given enough time you’ll know you’re in a relationship with a taker when you feel sucked dry for all you must give – money, affection, time, etc. For example, at one point in my marriage I was working 40 hours a week, spending 10 hours a week on my studies to obtain my degree, doing ALL of the household chores (homework with the kids, cleaning, cooking, shopping, paying the bills, etc.), while taking my daughters to cheerleading and other extra-curricular activities…my ex-husband sat home and did nothing. He was happy to contribute nothing while always reminding me that I was never doing enough!
Manipulation is about using language or emotions to handle or control someone else while exploiting the relationship to one’s own benefit in some way. It can be small or subtle and difficult to identify from casual interactions. If you’re being pressured, controlled, or even feel like you’re questioning yourself more than usual – it could be manipulation. Takers are masters of manipulation even going as far as to feel entitled and that the world owes them a living. They’re destructive to the generous spirit of a giver because they have an agenda to get whatever they want – no matter the cost to someone else’s mental and physical health.
For example, my ex-husband is a very passive-aggressive person. To avoid being disliked by his own children he would frequently manipulate me by pointing out something he didn’t like that the kids were doing and ask me to “fix it.” Wanting to be a “good parent” I would march over and correct the child’s behavior, which in turn made her mad at me…thereby allowing him to stay the “favorite” parent because he was “nice to the kids.” Later, I learned to tell him it was his responsibility to parent his daughter if he saw her doing something he disliked, which broke the unhealthy cycle altogether. In other words I stepped out of the Devil’s triangle because I realized that I was acting codependent.
It doesn’t matter how big or small the taking from the other person – when we use our skills and talents to undermine another person’s good intentions, we slip into manipulation even though this is an unsustainable train wreck waiting to happen.
The Brokenness of a Giver/Taker Relationship
The truth is that in the giver/taker relationship both parties are essentially broken. For the taker, the giving is never enough. The giver keeps on giving and the taker always needs more. Paradoxically, the taker often thinks that they’re the one doing all the giving.
The actual giver in the relationship allows for manipulation because of their inability to receive. A relationship that is based on the scarcity of not-being-enough results in a chasm that grows darker and deeper until it’s destroyed. Because we’re naturally designed for healthy relationships that include an equal measure of giving and receiving over time, we do recognize the dysfunction in which we are living. Both parties come away splintered and empty.
In healthy relationships, no one is keeping score or trying to gain more than what they give. Both parties are in service to one another unconditionally, living in a commitment to the greater whole. We all deserve to receive without being manipulated.
The good news is that the legacy of the parents who raised us does not have to live on if a giver can learn to watch out for people taking advantage of them. Better yet, find another giver! A lifestyle comprised of kindness and service leads to greater personal fulfillment, as well as health and happiness. And let’s face it “Life is too short to be so unhappy!”
“In the most successful relationships, both partners are givers. When a romantic relationship works, even takers are focused on giving. Both partners might give in different ways, willing to support each other without expecting or even demanding something in return. Imagine a relationship in which both partners always care for each other’s needs. When there is a fight, both are quick to offer apologies. Both live their lives with their partner’s best interest in mind. The important thing is for there to be reciprocity, that we’re there for each other and offer from the heart only to be received by grateful hands and returned with interest when needed. Never settle for being someone else’s doormat because we all deserve better for ourselves!
What do you wish your father had told you growing up? What have your experiences been when dealing with givers or takers? What advice do you have to your younger self?
Next week I plan to write about the various resources I have drawn from to change unhealthy behaviors and what I have learned along the way. I hope you will join me again on this topic.
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