In my last posting titled “A Letter to the First Man I Ever Loved, My Dad” I wrote about the development of young girls and how our fathers are our first role models. In life we develop a strong sense of our value and worth (good or bad) through this lens. I also talked about the power dynamics that exists between givers and takers as we navigate adulthood.
The good news is that the legacy of the parents who raised us does not have to live on if a giver can learn to watch out for people taking advantage of them. Let’s delve further into the giver in a relationship and how to get back on track to experience more fulfillment in our relationships.
At the most extreme end of the spectrum, a people pleasing mindset is mainly comprised of deeply engrained toxic thoughts where you must be “nice,” and put others first, while being unable to say no. Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors can take a heavy toll on your emotional and physical health while affecting the quality of your relationships with others.
Is it important for you to seek the approval of others or to be liked? Do you believe that nothing good can come from conflict or confrontation, so you avoid it like the plague? Does the thought of this make you sick or affect your sleep? Are you hooked on doing things for others to gain their approval, so they won’t abandon you? Do you feel selfish when you put your needs before others? Do you feel guilty if you have to say “no” to someone’s request, so instead you say “yes?” Then you are likely a giver.
Logically, we can all agree that thoughts and feelings can lead to certain behaviors. However, this doesn’t mean that these things are always properly aligned in support of being our best selves. That is why it is so important to focus on these three areas (thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) separately. Just because we think something…doesn’t mean we have to act on it. Just because we are feeling something doesn’t mean we have given it much thought, since many of our response are unconscious and learned over time. The way we behave in response to a stimulus doesn’t mean that we’ve spent any time or consideration in how we wanted to behave in the first place. Sometimes, when we feel hurt, we just want to lash out at something or someone without having thought it through.
Tip: If you can learn to gain control over just one of these areas (thoughts, feelings, or behaviors) you can then begin to understand the main underlying causes and change your own distorted thinking, compulsive behaviors and fearful emotions, that have led to people-pleasing habits. Through self-awareness you can redirect and reprioritize while being in control of your choices.
Do you suffer from your own stinking thinking?
The giver’s thoughts form in early childhood and often gauges him/herself in terms of being “nice” or a good person. Givers often view themselves as a cooperative team player at work, a harmonious spouse, or loving parent. Just the mere thought that another might need our help is enough to send our brain into action. Well that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? The problem is that the giver operates in ways that are contrary to what they want or how they feel. The good news is that unhealthy cycles can be changed if we are willing to break our people-pleasing habits.
What this essentially means is that you must learn to be in in control over the pressures and demands on the life you have created in your own mind. Examine the source of why your thoughts are telling you to act in a certain direction, and then ask yourself if you are over-extending yourself or operating against your own self-interests. If the answer is yes, then you must rewrite your story. No, you’re not crazy but old thinking habits must be re-examined, acknowledged, and transformed. You must remind yourself that you cannot gain love, self-worth, nor protection from abandonment and rejection from others by seeking approval. On the flip side, choosing to take no action out of fear of disapproval is equally certain to lead to the disappointment of the person you are dealing with along with re-enforcing your belief of your own inadequacy.
Givers frequently lose their authenticity because they block negative emotions from being sent or received when they are unable to express negative feelings in their relationships. Left unchecked they may become unable to express when they are unhappy, angry, upset, or disappointed so their relationships with others often become more dysfunctional over time.
Self-defeating thoughts based on flawed beliefs, self-imposed rules and expectations about yourself and others is at the root of your own distorted thinking, often leading to depression, anxiety, self-blame, and guilt in a self-defeating cycle of stress. The good new is that the way you think and process information, has an immensely strong impact on how you feel. When you exercise control over your thoughts you can shape and positively influence your feelings and habits. Simply stop second guessing yourself and withholding how you are feeling from others and recognize that while this may have worked in childhood, it no longer serves you as an adult. You don’t have to be angry or even nice, just put into practice verbalizing your feelings while rooting out your tendency to obsess over negative things that are affecting you.
Tip: Don’t expect others to provide validation after you verbalize what you are feeling…especially if they are not used to hearing you do so. If someone says something like you sound upset…angry…or something else, try to avoid explaining yourself. Simply respond with “Yes, I guess I am feeling that…or no I feel _____.”
Do you feel the need to avoid conflict or relinquish control?
Givers frequently avoid the mere anticipation of uncomfortable feelings that can cause anxiety when anger or confrontation is evoked. Fear causes the people pleaser to primarily operate in a way they believe avoids negative feelings from occurring in others. If you are in this group, you know this tactic is faulty because your fears not only fail to diminish but rather instead they intensify after you have relinquished all control to the other person, when you feel a void in how to deal with your own uncertainty. Ultimately you feel intimidated and manipulated when none of your needs have been met and you may not have communicated what those were to the other person to begin with. Because you avoid difficult emotions, you never allow yourself to learn how to effectively manage conflict or how to deal appropriately with anger.
The inability to receive can look like humility but really is just a form of pride. Yes, the giver offers time, money, and talent, but if the person cannot receive, the giving often stems from brokenness – the need to fix, rescue, or even control another with kindness. Admittedly, even kindness can be a form of manipulation and control.
Does a boss, employee, spouse, child, or parent make you feel that you’re never doing enough?
When the giving starts to be expected it’s time to watch out! This is usually your first clue that you are being taken advantage of; willingly or not.
The giver will often miss the subtly of expectations. If you are doing too much, too often for others, if you rarely say “no” to an assignment or request, if you never delegate your chores to your children or a work assignment to your team, and inevitably become overcommitted or spread too thin, then you may be engaging in people pleasing behaviors. Driven by your constant need for everyone’s approval you are engaged in a self-defeating, stress-producing pattern that allows others to then control you.
Ironically it produces the opposite effect in that you often believe that to be in control you must do things yourself. Oftentimes you choose to ignore those warning signs. It’s a co-dependent relationship that’s built on enmeshment and one-sided expectations: I should, must, ought to, or have to do something that is sabotaging your own happiness and self-fulfillment. And, when someone doesn’t comply with the expectations implicit in your thoughts or rules, you feel anger, frustration, disappointment, and reproach.
In closing, when you change your thinking, you will change how you feel and the way you chose to act. Don’t allow others to undervalue, disrespect, or ignore how you feel. Remind yourself often that exercising enlightened self-interest is a healthy way to get your own needs met. You are responsible to control your own self-defeating thought patterns that affect your happiness. Don’t let your brain drain you until you have nothing left to give because it can and will affect your health.
Remember, it is unrealistic to expect others to love and appreciate what you do for them, to believe you will be liked or disliked because of how hard you try to do something for the other person, that you can avoid being criticized or rejected by others, that others will always treat you well or fairly, and that you can always avoid somebody being upset with you out of obligation or appreciation for how you have treated them or because you have done something for them. This is just flawed thinking because in reality, nobody must treat you well, agree with you, or even approve of what you are doing. So, practice and stay aware of your new intentions to take care of yourself and be selective in responding to the needs of other people.
Your health and the health of your relationships cannot be predicated on the validation you receive from others. It’s better to recognize that negative emotions between people are inevitable and we all must learn to deal effectively with others when we inevitably find ourselves in such situations. Accept that biologically we are all hard wired to feel fear and anger. If you’re a giver, you’ll want to examine your motives for giving and set boundaries on how and why you give and to whom. Dealing with conflict is healthy and we don’t have to deny our feelings or how we show up for others outwardly.
What have you done to stop your own people-pleasing behaviors? What have your experiences been working for a people-pleasing boss? What have you done to change unhealthy thoughts?
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