Caitlin Kirby wore a one-of-a-kind, handmade skirt – made from 17 rejection letters that she had received over the last five years. The 28-year-old Michigan grad student, who has spent the last 4 1/2 years working towards her PhD in environmental science and policy, says that the rejection letters had come from other PhD programs, scholarships and academic journals.
Two approaches to failure are normalizing it (tolerating failure as a necessary part of the innovation process) as Caitlin did and analyzing it (mindful attempts to convert failure experiences into knowledge). By making an intentional effort to analyze past failures we are introduced to new ideas while considering new approaches. Using constructive conflict can foster introspective lessons to enable authentic and honest discussion within ourselves about our contribution to a conflict — no matter how small.
Often, we subscribe to familiar themes that tell us in order to be successful we cannot make mistakes or fail. To make things worse we have an internal dialogue that compels us to just work harder so we can attain perfection. Fortunately, we now have access to hearing about the missteps and virtues of others in Ted Talks, podcasts, interviews, books and listening to keynote speakers sharing about how their failures have led to their success. Shared learning experiences and understanding that humility brings value, is an important lesson with important takeaways we can all apply in our personal and professional lives.
This, however, requires an examination of the fallacies we have learned along the way.
Always do the right thing…I’ve seen how blithely executive teams believe they are making good decisions but overlook the damage their decisions do to their staff who work hard, giving little consideration to the effect on people who have invested decades in an organization’s success.
If you work hard you will get ahead…The truth is hard work is a great thing when it’s devoted to your own dreams. Time spent on someone else’s vision is wasted. If you cannot embrace the vision of the people you are working for, you need to get off the train to nowhere. Find your path in life and get behind something you want to support.
It’s not personal, it’s just business…The business world uses this mindset to justify horrible decisions. Don’t rest your financial stability and your emotional health on carrying out the hidden agendas of a bad leader.
Our perceptions can lead us down a fallacy-ridden path. What fallacies have you bought into where you are selling yourself short because you are afraid of rejection?
Work hard for your own self-fulfillment and gratification…not anyone else’s and embrace failure along the way. It’s been said many times over, when one door closes another one opens. But falsely buying into the belief that just expending physical and mental energy will somehow produce a future desired reality that is without failure, is another dangerous fallacy.
If the path to success is lined with valuable lessons of failure, why do we avoid it? If we do everything right…we will be rewarded with success, right? Conversely, if we fail or make a mistake, it’s the end of the world, right? Although it may feel this way at times, our failures bring us knowledge and broadened perspectives. Management thinker Peter Drucker is often quoted as saying “you can’t manage what you can’t measure.” Drucker means that you can’t know whether you are successful unless success is defined and tracked. Since we don’t calculate the consequences of our failures in positive terms…we may never know. Said differently, you can’t measure what you don’t track. Women, more often than men, attribute failure to our perceived ability when competing with men in similar settings. Following this logic, most women would not be good enough. Failure should not be mistaken with self-worth as it is human to fail. However, our mindset tells us to avoid these teaching moments as being too risky of an endeavor. Let’s at least agree that we all have worth in our broad experiences and diversity.
So why do women need to learn to normalize failure? A simple comparison between annual wages of full-time working women and men shows that women earn about 79% of what men do (Blau and Kahn, 2016). The longstanding pay gap in gender outcomes is accounted for by two factors that might explain the existence of a gender gap in occupation choices and in status achieved. First, women might simply be differentially treated by employers, superiors, or coworkers, contributing to the gender gap in within-occupation status (Wolfers 2015, Sarsons 2017). Second, women might be less likely to search for or to undertake opportunities that might lead to career advancement or economic improvement. Instead, women usually choose to enter less financially lucrative or socially prestigious professions (Buser, Niederle, and Oosterbeek 2014, Goldin 2017). Women often settle for playing it safe! Safe in their chosen career while contributing in non-threatening ways. This provides some evidence that women may be active participants contributing to the wage gap by selling themselves short, due to fragile perceptions that are based on their experiences.
During my career I have sat in thousands of business meetings discussing organizational problems. Managers have met with me in confidence to share their people challenges. I have found it illuminating to explore how individuals react to failure. Have you ever been with a group of peers or sat in a meeting and watched someone who has misspoke? How did the group react and how did the person recover from this mistake? At an emotive level, some people experience shame, embarrassment, and doubt. Others offer no apology and almost laugh it off. Why is this? Studies suggest a higher probability of men who subscribe to a winner-takes-all mentality also embrace some level of risk-taking, seen as justified while pushing ahead.
So how do we learn to normalize our failures…by acknowledging it!
- Is there some form of negative self-talk (”You should be better prepared; they must know what they are talking about…”) in play here?
- Name calling: some sort of labeling (“you sound stupid…stupid”)
- Physical reaction: losing eye contact, body language (arms crossed defensively, frowning, or fidgety) or you find that you are no longer listening.
Pay attention to how you are feeling because this affects how you react in these types of situations. Conflict should be embraced as necessary and a healthy way to work through problems. Does your reaction lend itself to a solution…or contribute to the problem? How we react and the negative emotions we feel can prompt a release of adrenaline and cortisol that over time can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalances, a weakened immune system and numerous digestive problems. How many times a week do you have trouble falling asleep because of work problems?
Ultimately, conflict avoidance can drive away the people we need to be engaging with to help us achieve our goals and the result we desire…to be successful. Negative emotions can counteract our ability to connect in a positive way and block us from thinking clearly. Don’t clutter your minds with thoughts of helplessness or even worse victimhood.
Why is it okay to normalize our mistakes? Because it is our path to learning and growing. Does this idea that “mistakes are normal” sound bizarre? To argue that we shouldn’t be okay with our mistakes would imply an attempt at perfection – but we know that’s unattainable. Most women understand this is an exhausting and unfulfilling endeavor. Yes, aim to be your best version of you but also accept that failure is a commonplace and acceptable occurrence. Truly, we only have control over our reaction to how we approach failure when it inevitably arrives. We need to unlearn and then reframe the meaning of the words we have in our vocabulary to lessen the shame and sorrow associated with the word “failure.” We must lessen the importance we give to such words…only then can we draw from the valuable lessons learned from our experiences. When we embrace mindfulness, we take things in stride and become open to limitless options to become our best version of ourselves.
How do we normalize failure so it propels us to become the best we can be?
First you need to recognize the discomfort you feel before you can recover and overcome the confusion, fear, embarrassment, and worry that pops up to stop you along the way. An intense desire to change, whether based on a positive or negative emotion, has a direct correlation to the likelihood you will assertively take an action to recover.
In the experience of Caitlin Kirby, she felt a strong emotion resulting from being rejected before becoming fully committed to making a complex change in her own view of failure. She then changed her behavior accordingly. An intense negative reaction to her circumstances resulted in her belief that she could control her future, which then motivated her to take risks. She channeled the rejection she felt to a productive end.
Second, develop the necessary skills to shift the focus away from external circumstances and instead focus on what you strongly desire to change within yourself. It is not the men at work who don’t support you or overwhelming responsibilities that prevent you from being your most authentic self. You must value your own contributions and realize you have the power to change your learned reactions. Stop using avoidance mechanisms or being disappointed in yourself for standing in the mud with two good feet. Initiate the positive internal shifts you need to change your external reality and then take action to behave differently.
Finally, shift your focus away from what is missing in your life (evoke negative self-talk) to what you want to passionately and positively create (inspiring passion). The negative energy your emotions emit repels people, thereby counteracting your desire to connect with people in a new, more positive way. Stop driving away the results you desire and instead seek out the people who could help you achieve your goals. Reading is another way to broaden your views. Determine what you want and then make the shift from a negative to a positive expression of want you deeply desire to create.
To fully experience and tap into the wisdom of our emotions, and to become our authentic selves, we must learn how to experience discomfort. Without discomfort, there is no change and no growth. In closing, ask yourself:
How do you react when you make a mistake? Is it accompanied by a physical reaction? What do I want more of in my life? What thoughts or self-talk make an appearance? What have I had enough of and needs to end today? How can I shift my frustration to what I dearly want to create?
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To see the full article on Caitlyn Kirby:
amightygirl.com/blog?p=27484&fbclid=IwAR1lrOqM0J2-8szddwBP-bq2sRaYC7lB4aC0RtfmayJiN4BMxj-y6EvjqQc
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